I collapse right there, to tired to think, just enough energy to lie there so still and quietly. I could hear my mother’s voice now, telling me how foolish I am being.
“Torrent! Are you listening? How can you be so careless? It is your first day of boarding school, and you ran out of third period class. And you are just letting yourself sit there where people can see you! You could get discovered!” The illusion of my mother yelled wagging her flaming red finger in my face.
Mom would not get it. She is not like me, the pissy yet meek water faerie. She was only the pissy and old fire faerie. She had no clue of the disadvantages I had. Mom could go by any blaze and not be destroyed; she would just grow stronger while I would grow weaker. That is why I had to leave third period, we had to use a flame stove. I could feel the flesh on my throat go dry and my glamour begin to fade as soon as it was turned on. People are probably worried considering I jumped out the third story window, like I could actually die like that.
A loud scream came from the distance; I could recognize the voice too. It was a boy in my class. Andrew.
“Change…” I said clearly.
I felt the water lift me up and the brazen blue light wash over me. My skin turned to what felt like cold fire and a swift breeze washed over me. My feet tapped on something solid lightly and there I was, on the ground with my glamour on. I stumbled over to a tree that grazed on the waters edge and collapsed on the ground though I felt like pure adrenaline was being pushed through my veins. My toe lightly tapped the waters surface and a ripple was sent out.
The sound of the huffing boy was getting closer as I closed my eyes to concentrate on not changing back into a faerie.
“Tori,” he huffed with relief and anger.
“It’s Torrent, not Tori.” I mused calmly.
I opened my eyes, there stood Andrew. His face was red, and brown hair ruffled. His shirt was torn too, muddy, and stained in sweat.
”Torrent!” He said, exasperating the correction “Would you mind telling me why you jumped out the window and ran off?”
Hmm, well let me think, perhaps I could have been exposed being close to an open flame. Then again I knew the other reason all to well. My face drooped down along with my neck. My fists became clenched and a tear welled in my eye, threatening to spill over.
“It’s none of your damn business.” I growled, my voice strained.
He stared at me incredulously, noticing the immediate change in my mood and voice. “What is it? Why?” He demanded, his voice gentler, by a fraction of a degree.
I clenched my fist more trying to keep my breathing steady but knew for a fact, that I could not. The memory was too livid, unable to leave me feeling comfortable. Scary, sad, and bitter is that memory. I began to hyperventilate in panic.
Andrew continued keeping his focus on me, his eyes gentle “Is something wrong?”
Yes, there is something wrong Andrew, why do you think I am hyperventilating? Truly, it is sad, but you will never know. You will not know or understand ever. I felt the memory pass through me as if it were going ten times faster then it happened. I shook it off avoiding the reminiscence.
When I returned to reality I realized I was gasping for more and more air, my eyes thick with tears, one was already rolling down the side of my cheek. Andrew’s hand on my shoulder; He was looking at me; I could tell he wanted an explanation but he, he was not getting one.
I brushed his hand off and stood up keeping my position strong… dominant. He stood up too and tried reaching for my arm. That is when I ran, and ran, and ran. I thought I would never stop. The tears flew behind me staining the dirt it landed on. I ran and suddenly stopped. My head became light and black splotches dotted along my vision until the engulfed everything.
Critique, opinions, ideas, ect...COuld you critique a first part of my story? PLEASE, PLEASE, ANSWER!!!?i thought it was very good.
it confused me a little though.
how about making the conversation with her mom longer? where did her mom go when the boy appeared? why did the boy come after her? just add a little more detail.COuld you critique a first part of my story? PLEASE, PLEASE, ANSWER!!!?i like it. it could be a lil more put together but so far so gooodCOuld you critique a first part of my story? PLEASE, PLEASE, ANSWER!!!?You just jumped in with the action. I don't know who you are, where you are, how you got where you are. I read the first three lines, then stopped. As a reader, I had no emotional investment in your character.COuld you critique a first part of my story? PLEASE, PLEASE, ANSWER!!!?Make it shorter, more pleople will stop and read it.COuld you critique a first part of my story? PLEASE, PLEASE, ANSWER!!!?Looks good. But you might want to ease into the action, like start from the calm, middle part of her day, let her go into class, then go into the action. It will help me understand the story more. Could you send me it? I love reading other people's stories! Please!!!
