Chapter One
Meeting Waters Edge
Torrent
I tumbled through the weed and brush looking for it so I could change back. Across a small clearing and through the leaves, I saw it, my salvation. My bare feet pounded against the soil racing fervently. I met the edge of the small lagoon and jumped in spiraling to the bottom and feeling the wild swirl of water bursting me into the air with the most graceful violence. I felt my wings sprout from my back, and my hair return to the glossy blue I have always had. My skin was once again an alabaster white with the small droplets of water glittering along its smooth surface. The spiraling water began to die off as I let the last of the whirl pool drip from my pointed toes, and allowed my self to stand upon the waters rippling surface.
I collapse right there, to tired to think, just enough energy to lie there so still and quietly. I could hear my mother’s voice now, telling me how foolish I am being.
“Torrent! Are you listening? How can you be so careless? It is your first day of boarding school, and you ran out of third period class. And you are just letting yourself sit there where people can see you! You could get discovered!” The illusion of my mother yelled wagging her flaming red finger in my face.
Mom would not get it. She is not like me, the pissy yet meek water faerie. She was only the pissy and old fire faerie. She had no clue of the disadvantages I had. Mom could go by any fire and not be destroyed; she would just grow stronger while I would grow weaker. That is why I had to leave third period, we had to use a flame stove. I could feel the flesh on my skin evaporating as soon as it was turned on. People are probably worried considering I jumped out the third story window, like I could actually die like that.
A loud scream came from the distance; I could recognize the voice too. It was Mr. Coraletti, screaming my name, his lungs huffing with exasperation.
“Change…” I said clearly.
I felt the water lift me up and the brazen blue light wash over me. My skin turned to what felt like cold fire and a swift breeze washed over me. My feet tapped on something solid lightly and there I was, on the ground with my glamour on. I stumbled over to a tree that grazed on the waters edge and collapsed on the ground though I felt like pure adrenaline was being pushed through my veins. My toe lightly tapped the waters surface and a ripple was sent out.
The sound of my huffing teacher was getting closer as I closed my eyes to concentrate on not changing back into a faerie.
“Tori,” he huffed with relief and anger.
“It’s Torrent, not Tori.” I said calmly.
I opened my eyes, there stood Mr. Coraletti. His face was red and puffy, his shirt was muddy, ripped, and saturated in what smelled like sweat, to salty to be pure water.
”Torrent…” he said correcting himself “Why did you run off.” He said between puffs of air.
Hmm, well let me think, perhaps I could have died being so close to fire. Then again I knew the other reason. My face drooped down along with my neck. My fists became clenched and a tear welled in my eye, threatening to spill over.
“It’s nothing.” I growled, my voice strained.
He sat against the tree next to me allowing his breath to even out before he spoke.
“Torrent,” he said with concern on his face “what is the matter?”
I clenched my fist more trying to keep my breathing steady but knew for a fact, that I could not. The memory was too livid, unable to leave me feeling comfortable. Scary, sad, and bitter is that memory. I began to hyperventilate in panic.
Mr. Coraletti looked at me, eyes filled with wonder “Is something wrong?”
Yes, there is something wrong Mr. Coraletti, why do you think I am hyperventilating? Truly, it is sad, but you will never know Mr. Coraletti. You will not know or understand ever. I felt the memory pass through me as if it were going ten times faster then it happened. I shook it off avoiding the reminiscence.
When I returned to reality I realized I was gasping for more and more air, my eyes thick with tears and Mr. Coraletti’s hand on my shoulder. He was looking at me, I could tell he wanted an explanation but he, he was not getting one.
I brushed his hand off and stood up keeping my position strong… dominant, though for my small size it was strange. He stood up too and tried reaching for my arm. That is when I ran, and ran, and ran. I thought I would never stop. I only stopped when something hit my head and knocked me out.
what do you think? Would you read more? What should I fix? Ect?What do you think about my story opening? Constructive criticism please!?OMG! I like this!
I would definitely love to read more! I love the faerie idea. But I find the idea that she would evaporate, a little far. Maybe she would, become dehydrated, but please? Evaporate?
Oh, and also the fact that the teacher is the guy who follows her seems a little strange to me. I would have enjoyed it better if it was the tall, handsome jock bully-type person was following her. This would have made it a teeny bit more interesting.
I find her name a little strange to. Torrent? Isn't that a guy's name? (No offence if you really like that name.) Why don't instead you look up greek names about water. That's what I did for my story, I found names with astrlogical meanings to them. it make you have interesting names with a little bit of a hidden meaning.
I'm really interested in reading more of your story. Could you email me the rest?? (If you have it of course)
sammyh001 (at) gmail (dot) com
thanks
%26lt;3
sammyhWhat do you think about my story opening? Constructive criticism please!?wow
thats really good
but i have to clue why Torrent is so upset and/or mad....=/
and yea i would want to read more=)What do you think about my story opening? Constructive criticism please!?O.O Can i read more PLEASE? Its like Perfect.What do you think about my story opening? Constructive criticism please!?Great! I would read more! Keep going!! you should try to publish it! ;p
Whats it called?What do you think about my story opening? Constructive criticism please!?hmmmmmm...i really like this...its interesting and has that mysterious quality to it....and the hook definetiley has a good feeling to it...my only change would be to add a little more description about the incident that your character ran away from so we have a little bit more understandingWhat do you think about my story opening? Constructive criticism please!?My eyes are working fine and I know this is a long passage to ask someone to read. You would be better off including small bites of it. Also it would help if you separated each paragraph with a space.
