__________ IT IS NOT AS LONG AS IT LOOKS______________
I tumbled through the weed and brush looking for it so I could change back. Across a small clearing and through the leaves, I saw it, my salvation. My bare feet pounded against the soil racing fervently. I met the edge of the small lagoon and jumped in spiraling to the bottom and feeling the wild swirl of water bursting me into the air with the most graceful violence. I felt my wings sprout from my back, and my hair return to the glossy blue I have always had. My skin was once again an alabaster white with the small droplets of water glittering along its smooth surface. The spiraling water began to die off as I let the last of the whirl pool drip from my pointed toes, and allowed my self to stand upon the waters rippling surface.
I collapse right there, to tired to think, just enough energy to lie there so still and quietly. I could hear my mother’s voice now, telling me how foolish I am being.
“Torrent! Are you listening? How can you be so careless? It is your first day of boarding school, and you ran out of third period class. And you are just letting yourself sit there where people can see you! You could get discovered!” The illusion of my mother yelled wagging her flaming red finger in my face.
Mom would not get it. She is not like me, the pissy yet meek water faerie. She was only the pissy and old fire faerie. She had no clue of the disadvantages I had. Mom could go by any blaze and not be destroyed; she would just grow stronger while I would grow weaker. That is why I had to leave third period, we had to use a flame stove. I could feel the flesh on my throat go dry and my glamour begin to fade as soon as it was turned on. People are probably worried considering I jumped out the third story window, like I could actually die like that.
A loud scream came from the distance; I could recognize the voice too. It was a boy in my class. Andrew.
“Change…” I said clearly.
I felt the water lift me up and the brazen blue light wash over me. My skin turned to what felt like cold fire and a swift breeze washed over me. My feet tapped on something solid lightly and there I was, on the ground with my glamour on. I stumbled over to a tree that grazed on the waters edge and collapsed on the ground though I felt like pure adrenaline was being pushed through my veins. My toe lightly tapped the waters surface and a ripple was sent out.
The sound of the huffing boy was getting closer as I closed my eyes to concentrate on not changing back into a faerie.
“Tori,” he huffed with relief and anger.
“It’s Torrent, not Tori.” I mused calmly.
I opened my eyes, there stood Andrew. His face was red, and brown hair ruffled. His shirt was torn too, muddy, and stained in sweat.
”Torrent!” He said, exasperating the correction “Would you mind telling me why you jumped out the window and ran off?”
Hmm, well let me think, perhaps I could have been exposed being close to an open flame. Then again I knew the other reason all to well. My face drooped down along with my neck. My fists became clenched and a tear welled in my eye, threatening to spill over.
“It’s none of your damn business.” I growled, my voice strained.
He stared at me incredulously, noticing the immediate change in my mood and voice. “What is it? Why?” He demanded, his voice gentler, by a fraction of a degree.
I clenched my fist more trying to keep my breathing steady but knew for a fact, that I could not. The memory was too livid, unable to leave me feeling comfortable. Scary, sad, and bitter is that memory. I began to hyperventilate in panic.
Andrew continued keeping his focus on me, his eyes gentle “Is something wrong?”
Yes, there is something wrong Andrew, why do you think I am hyperventilating? Truly, it is sad, but you will never know. You will not know or understand ever. I felt the memory pass through me as if it were going ten times faster then it happened. I shook it off avoiding the reminiscence.
When I returned to reality I realized I was gasping for more and more air, my eyes thick with tears, one was already rolling down the side of my cheek. Andrew’s hand on my shoulder; He was looking at me; I could tell he wanted an explanation but he, he was not getting one.
I brushed his hand off and stood up keeping my position strong… dominant. He stood up too and tried reaching for my arm. That is when I ran, and ran, and ran. I thought I would never stop. The tears flew behind me staining the dirt it landed on. I ran and suddenly stopped. My head became light and black splotches dotted along my vision until the engulfed everything.
What do you think? Would you keep reading? Opinons? Ect?What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?first I have 2 criticisms:
1. You need to stick with the same tense the whole time. unless someone is actively talking, it is generally best to use the past tense so I would recommend that
2. This may be better in the second or third chapter of the book. I would open with the actual class or with Torrent's mother trying to convince her to go to boarding school, etc.
Next I have 1 pieces of advice:
1. Continue writing, as you write more, your style will solidify and you will be able to go back and edit what you have already written.
And now encouragement:
This would defiantly be something I would be interested in reading more of. please notify me if more becomes available.What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?i only read the 1st sentance and im not really interested...but good!What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?wow that's fantastic. you are a really good writer. I would keep reading. I wish i could write like that =/What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?its good!What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?its really good! i would keep reading! oh and thnx for answerin my ques.!! :)What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?OMG DATS GOOD I WLD READ DAT WEN UR DONE U SHLD SEND IT 2 me @ rohadaangel@yahoo.comWhat do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?I think it is wonderful!Astounding!Captivating! the adjectives you used were brilliant! I would definitely keep reading. The introduction was done very nicely too. That is by far the best story i have ever read about a fairy, it wasn't too girly and it wasn't as ditsy as most. I'd give it 5 stars!What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?wow your really good when you finish writing it you should post the whole thing on here so that everyone can read it....What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?i would!! it sounds good, emaiil me the Rest cottoncandy_princess@hotmail.com if you add more to it!! im not good with helping peopel on what to add becuse i cant spell great. but i like it... i really do...so good job!!What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?This is pretty interesting. I just have two words of advice: Try not to start a lot of consecutive sentences with %26quot;I%26quot; and %26quot;My%26quot;. I think I saw a paragraph that consisted all of Is and Mys...You can change the sentences around so they don't all start the same way. Also, watch your punctuation. I think I saw a couple of misplaced semi-colons, but I could be mistaken.
Keep writing -- never let a few criticisms discourage you from writing. :)What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?i think its great...its a little boring at the begining but the end seems good and it seems like a reaaallllyyy interesting plot and i would buy this if u published it!! lolWhat do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?magnificant absolutely amazing i wish i could write with such passion and depth i would definetely keep reading
whilst it may not be evryones cup of tea thoughWhat do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?I think it's good. I would definitely keep reading. I liked how well you have developed the universe. Maybe you should explain if she's disguised when she goes to boarding school (You kind of mentioned it, but I'm not sure) if she is, then describe said disguise. Other than that, I can't think of anything to add, delete, or change. Good job!What do you think about my story so far? Criticism%26gt; Opinions?I think it is very interesting and your descriptive writing is right on target. I would keep reading.
