I tumbled through the weed and brush looking for it so I could change back. Across a small clearing and through the leaves, I saw it, my salvation. My feet pounded against the soil as I raced. I met the edge of the small lagoon and jumped in spiraling to the bottom and feeling the wild swirl of water bursting me into the air with the most graceful violence. I felt my wings sprout from my back, and my hair return to the glossy blue I have always had. My skin was once again an alabaster white with the small droplets of water glittering along its smooth surface. The spiraling water began to die off as I let the last of the whirl pool drip from my pointed toes, and allowed my self to stand upon the waters rippling surface.
I collapse right there, to tired to think, just enough energy to lie there so still and quietly. I could hear my mother’s voice now, telling me how foolish I am being.
“Torrent! Are you listening? How can you be so careless? It is your first day of boarding school, and you ran out of third period class. And you are just letting yourself sit there where people can see you! You could get discovered!” The illusion of my mother yelled wagging her flaming red finger in my face.
Mom would not get it. She is not a water faerie, just a fire faerie. She had no clue of the disadvantages I had. Mom could go by any fire and not be destroyed by the fire; she would just grow stronger while I would grow weaker. That is why I had to leave third period, we had to use a flame stove. I could feel the flesh on my skin evaporating as soon as it was turned on. People are probably worried considering I jumped out the third story window, like I could actually die like that.
A loud scream came from the distance; I could recognize the voice too. It was Mr. Coraletti, screaming my name, his lungs huffing with exasperation.
“Change…” I said clearly.
I felt the water lift me up and the brazen blue light wash over me. My skin turned to what felt like cold fire and a swift breeze washed over me. My feet tapped on something solid lightly and there I was, on the ground with my glamour on. I stumbled over to a tree that grazed on the waters edge and collapsed on the ground though I felt like pure adrenaline was being pushed through my veins. My toe lightly tapped the waters surface and a ripple was sent out.
The sound of my huffing teacher was getting closer as I closed my eyes to concentrate on not changing back into a faerie.
“Tori,” he huffed with relief and anger.
“It’s Torrent, not Tori.” I said calmly.
I opened my eyes, there stood Mr. Coraletti. His face was red and puffy, his shirt was muddy, ripped, and saturated in what smelled like sweat, to salty to be pure water.
”Torrent…” he said correcting himself “Why did you run off.” He said between puffs of air.
Hmm, well let me think, perhaps I could have died being so close to fire. Then again I knew the other reason. My face drooped down along with my neck. My fists became clenched and a tear dribbled down the side of my face. Mr. Coraletti looked at me, his puffy, red face smattered with surprise. He sat against the tree next to me allowing his breath to even out.
“Torrent,” he said with concern on his face “what is the matter?”
I clenched my fist more trying to keep my breathing steady but knew for a fact, that I could not. A small sob escaped my chest and one word came out, “Dad…” I whispered my voice thick with sorrow.
Mr. Coraletti looked at me, eyes sympathetic and filled with wonder “What about your dad?” he pressed.
I shuddered having the memory return. There I was twelve again, sitting inside the boat house when mom came storming in. Her hair was flaming red her eyes angrier than what seemed possible. I stared at her along with my father. Her eyes gaze was directed at my dad, she spoke one word only “Cheater…” She said her voice trembling with sorrow and anger at the same time. I shuddered and then felt the heat; mother had set the boat house on fire. The wood beneath me collapsed and I was in the water. I immediately looked around for dad, but I knew then… he was already dead. He could not even make it into the water.
When I returned to reality I realized I was sobbing even louder, my eyes thick with tears and Mr. Coraletti’s hand on my shoulder. He was looking at me, I could tell he wanted an explanation but he would not press me for one any longer.
I brushed his hand off and stood up keeping my position strong. He stood up too. That is when I ran, and ran, and ran. I thought I would never stop. I only stopped when something hit my head and knocked me out.
please critique, opinions, ideas? If this was a published book, would you read farther?First chapter of my book??? Critique? ?it was great. i would read it yes. in fact i would like to keep reading it right now. i love your description the way to flows. though a few of the transition from explanation to explanation. like the being in class and then back to the water and then to the story about the character's father was a little shaky. i think a little more wording should be added to help transition on. but other than that don't change anything. i like that u didn't say right away what she was it had me curious:)
good luck!:)First chapter of my book??? Critique? ?As sson as I started reaaing it, it was awesome lol, Good!!!!!!!!!
I love it want to read moreFirst chapter of my book??? Critique? ?really good, i would definitely read this to the end if it was published and i could get my hands on it.
all i got to say is that u did a awesome job, you hooked me by the end of it which you just proves you got real talent hereFirst chapter of my book??? Critique? ?I liked it actually, I liked it a lot, I want to read more. You do need some work in some areas though, I would recommend you to go to http://fromthehaert.wetpaint.com/?mail=1… and post your writing there, that is where I do, check it out.
